I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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