How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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