Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
