I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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