Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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