They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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