Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
