Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
