I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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