I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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