Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
