so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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