If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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