THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
