final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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