I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
