I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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