i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize