I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
