im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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