Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
