I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
