I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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