I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
