Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
