spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize