like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
