God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
