The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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