I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
