sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
