i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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