You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Randomize
