no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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