Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
His nipple licking is glorious
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