I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
