my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize