i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
