Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
