I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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