I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Randomize
