you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
