4 words: hood of his car
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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