I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
