Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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