I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
