I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
