I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
