I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
