I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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