So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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