mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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