I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
