i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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