So drunk its hurt
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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