I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Randomize
