I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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