So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
