I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
