I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
