I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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