He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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