my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize