Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
