ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
