Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
